Happy Valentine's Day!!!

And so, just like that, its been 10 years since I started Valentine week. Feels like yesterday when me and 2 friends in IIT Madras roamed on the roads of our campus, me scaring one of them that I would be out proposing a random guy in a week (I wasn't going to). There it started the question of ways to propose someone. When I go back and watch those posts, over the years my tone changed, few of my views changed but I think the value I place on the concept did not change. Between quizzes in college, group studies in MBA, crazy work schedules in my first job and when I did not have energy to even raise a finger, Valentine week kept going.

Only thing I wish by writing these posts is that people should not feel foolish or embarrassed or immature to talk about love and its failings. I guess its about the vulnerability that is dead-given about love. People are not equipped to deal with vulnerability, for that matter even accept it. I am not any different but still I would want my next generation to be (I must be getting old to even say that).

There is a couple I know whom I asked this year’s question. The wife mentioned she was moved by how during their fights her husband, then boyfriend came to her from wherever he is, to just continue the fight in person. He said he loved how she knows about him and how that is reflected in the gifts she gives. So, the little things are not restricted to start of the relationship. They keep going on.

And there is another couple so very near and dear to me. The husband is always frustrated with the way wife carries a lot of stuff when they have to go out and wife cribs about his driving even if its just traffic. One of the bickering sessions in the front row of the car, in the middle of argument, husband says, “Put on the seat belt, the police are particular here” and continued to complain.

Well she continued to cut him off, giving words back, pulling the seat belt and trying to find the latch. She was not able to find it because of the saree she wrapped around in hurry. She blurted “What happened, did you remove the latch?” and that made the husband laugh a little, abruptly. That was a very profound moment for me. Its another story that they continued their fight after that too. They have been married for 29 years now and that’s my parents.

It would be wonderful to find someone who can keep us interested even after decades. We have to be open to notice the little things that happen in our lives to find that charm over and over again.

I can’t be unfair and not share mine. So, here it goes. I think the thing I got attracted to, is the comforting voice. I am a lot of times in anxious mode (everyone knows) and listening to that voice drove away a lot of tension and made me feel relaxed. Words didn’t matter, only the sound of it.

Happy Valentine’s Day !!

Valentine Week - 2

Here are the stories I heard and loved.

Story 1:

My husband and I were part of same training batch. A lot of us in my batch were not local to chennai and we got to hangout a lot as a group during the first few months of training. My husband was the local bakra with a good old Omni, that we all used to go out in! So basically we got to spend a lot of time together and know each other.

Its tough to say that there are just few things i liked about him. But, if i have to mention a few, it might be

1. He was charismatic, intellectual, and attached to family

2. respects women and believes that women should be independent and should not be stuck to home.

3. person of high values, forward thinker, disciplined and God fearing

4. Never smoked or touched alcohol which i was particular about.

Lastly, he used write letters  which I treasure till date.

Oh yeah.. He is actually not that yoyo guy. Would be happy with a laptop, comfortable couch and some music. But then during those days he used to organize a lot of outings with friends so we could hangout ever more 😃. He had even planned an entire trip to munnar with 25 of us, so we could spend more time together. But didnt realize this hidden agenda for a very long time.

Story 2

·         Catching my hand when I am scared though I didn't ask him to

·         Without saying a word making me feel I am not alone in anything

·         Silently protecting me, letting me have fun without boundaries and staying around since I will need him later on (like when I  drunk or tired)

·         When he said any of his celebrations are incomplete without me (never expected me to reciprocate)

·         When he alters his plans to just accommodate an hour with me

·         Talking with me all night since I am not able to sleep

·         Got me some childhood chocolates which I thought didn't exist anymore ( when I knew he is paying attention to all little things I say)

·         Making me do unconventional things like winking in a train or giving flying kiss in a public place or dancing with unknown crowd

Story 3

romantic gestures. ..Unconditional love & kindness....has time for pleasant conversations often.

Story 4

I remember her adjusting her wavy hair away from her face... She used to slide those curly strands behind her ear... She would do it with such elegance and grace... Used to stare at her like anything.... I sware I could look at her for eons... Sheer beauty!!!

Sometimes she finds out that I'm staring...

A simple question with her eyes "Enna?"

And I'm like "Onnum illa" and heads down with a smile...

I dono what to call this

But for me it was happiness

I used to feel out of this world

But she is one soul who can understand the unspoken words by having a glance at my eyes!

Story 5

I toh like everything bey😋

The way he talks, walks, eats, sleeps,  fights etc etc

When I met him the second time, I saw him walk around the room.  He was speaking in Telugu about some office work.

I was flat that very moment the way he was walking, talking and his hand gestures 😍😍

Also, the way he strokes his hair like SRK 🤩🤩

Story 6

The common ideas, Listening, time spent, some kind of validation to my thoughts and ideas and choices, making me overcome the thought of not being enough. It's always incremental

Story 7

I would say her personality, simplicity and when we met, we could talk about everything

Story 8

Friendly and jovial nature, boldness, Traditional thinking when it comes to customs, food, dressing etc.

I had a fight with her long back, wen she was carrying. She was trying to pacify me after the fight.  I ignored her, and unexpectedly she started crying. I still feel guilty of making her cry that day (made her cry many times after that too😜) .  But it was also an incident which made me realise that how much love and attention she expected from me.

Story 9

Actually i love his dimples

After our engagement we met at one restaurant in his hometown. On that day he gifted me a watch. He was too shy while giving me that and words not coming out properly. I actually attracted to his innocence and his innocent dimples

Story 10

How comfortable I felt around her , her warm and genuine smile which symbolizes general happiness and her comfortable ease in situations  , her incredibly charming personality ,  her guffaws that is undeniably attractive 

Specifics

• When she takes care of me when I’m sick and end up catching my viral a couple of days after
• When she plays with kids in my apartment and goes back to being a 5 year old herself
• Fact that she has big ambitious dreams for her/our future
• The way she gets excited over her mom's food and eats like a horse instead of eating like a bird
• Very fact that she is capable of quickly calming me down with her hug when I have had the worse days
• Her voice when she's sleepy
• The way she is protective over her parents

Story 11

Their willingness to settle for less in life 😇

Story 12

The fact that what is important to me matters to him, remembers them and indirectly shows it. He cares for my friends and family more than I do as he knows that they matter the most to me. Which was one of the things which most impressed me before the wedding.

My opinions matter. I am not taken for granted. For someone like me, I think that means that I feel valued and respected..

Him scolding me when I don't take care of myself and small surprises like, making sure he has dinner ready for me when I text him that I had a long day.

Or him explaining things where I go wrong with patience and tolerating my impatience.

One thing definitely was the proposal I had.. (Romantic proposal in arranged marriage)

Story 13

Simplicity and honesty I guess

And for tomorrow, that's a surprise.

Valentine Week - 3

I didn’t want to help my friends when I asked my Valentine week question by giving examples. I just wanted to know how they react, really explore how they perceive little things in relationships to be. But movies provide hell lot of instances to derive from. I am jotting down a few that came across my mind today. These are only one of the many things that define the chemistry.

Khushi (Telugu): The scene where the hero declines to lift the shirt of heroine for an injection. Have you seen the look on the heroine’s face? That’s what I am talking about, attraction. Did she know prior hand that she likes a guy who would do so? No, its just the moment and a revelation about the importance he gives to her.

Mirchi (Telugu): Have you seen the short scene of Prabhas observing Anushka in the middle of a song where she serves his father? A girl who cares about the people around her is desirable to him and that moment he felt her personality.

Jab We Met (Hindi): Remember the scene on the terrace where Geet and Aditya will be hiding before the elopement? Geet gives her philosophy behind acting according to her heart. Aditya did see her crazy side before, did enjoy her innocence and childishness. But knowing where all this comes from makes a greater impact in that scene.

27 Dresses (Hollywood): When all she hears all day is requests and demands, when suddenly someone tells her its okay to say no, the girl definitely feels more comfortable with that someone.

Seducing Mr. Perfect (Korean): Sometimes, hearing someone say what we wanted to hear makes all the difference. Remember the scene after the heroine dumps her beau and talks to the hero? The minute he utters exactly the words that ran in her head, she gives a sweet smile. However, the moment he actually yells at her out of concern leads to stronger feelings.

Jab Harry Met Sejal (Hindi): No matter what, I am Shah rukh fan and his romantic expressions are world-renowned. But this one is ultra special. The scene where the couple hide behind the windows of a boat to escape from the goons, the expression on Shah rukh face, its memorable. Not a word is spoken but his feelings are crystal clear. There is absolutely nothing significant happening there but the proximity, her dependency on him overpowers the dire situation too in his mind.

Valentine Week - 4

Okay now. The undisputed element of attraction between male and female, physical appearance. There are only 40-50 million completely blind people in the world and rest all very well have something or the other that impressed them in their partner physically. While psychologists to neighbour aunties might have given enough knowledge to people on these characteristics, I personally found from people and surroundings, something else altogether. Here is the summary.

Voice: A deep baritone like Alan Rickman or Benedict Cumberbatch and sweet, melodious like Mandy Moore or Shreya Ghoshal. Well, that’s what we would think but no. People are complex, a comforting voice from a male and a deep voice from female (like Sai Pallavi) does the trick too.

Hair: What’s with Indian men’s obsession over long hair (you know in addition to saris)? A friend of mine is looking for a lady with long hair (and voice like Momina. Let me know if anyone found such being). Well again, can’t settle on this since another friend of mine was happy just to see the small strand on the girl’s face pulled back.

Laugh: There is something very contagious about a plain-hearted laugh. Anyone can fall for that. One of my friends mentioned how he got attracted to his wife’s guffaws (he called them so).

Dimples: Now that’s my favorite too (:P). I guess it is for many women out there, as well as men. The smile just goes to next level, doesn’t it?

Smile: There is some never ending mystery in a tiny smile. It is the universal language and it is a clear message of happiness. People do love having smiles around (Unless it is a serial killer or Ram Gopal Varma) that brightens the day, especially men.

Surprisingly the usual suspect eyes did not get mentioned, hey, the sample isn’t that big or diverse or reliable or explicit. Strong arms or long legs and stuff like that are only mentioned by singles.

The funny thing is that these are just items much like ingredients and how they turn to be attractive to someone is a secret recipe.

Valentine Week - 5

So, before we go into little things, what are the big things? Well, it might be a very subjective thing and I haven’t asked around or Googled for this. But my thought, here it goes.

• Monogamy: As much as it is taken for granted, it tends to be a question. We just can only trust it exists in our relationship.

• In sickness: Whatever may be the state you get together in, however things turn into, sticking together in sickness isn’t easy.

• Parents: In India or may be anywhere in the world, standing up for the loved one in front of parents is not everyone’s cup of tea

• Personal freedom: Relationships demand accommodating another person in your schedule as a prerequisite. It comes at the cost of giving up on some (may be large) amount of me-time

• Commitment: Recently I came across this beautiful quote, “Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you” Can’t sum it up better than that. It takes me back to my favorite movie “Orange” (cant think of a valentine week without its mention or mere thought). The flower pot is a symbol for commitment, building up broken things.

While on some level, we all tend to appreciate these, may be in different measures but we do. But little things can easily be overlooked but they are the daily boosters to keep the romance alive.

Valentine Week - 6

So as usual, millennial in me, looked through Google first to find the actual things people find attractive in the opposite sex. After all, Google has the power of numbers. But apparently attraction is gender based according to Google.

I guess not all websites concur on many things but have few repeated themes. Women mostly find sense of humour, drive, chivalry, good listening attractive in a guy. On the other hand, Men mostly fall for voice, smile, manners, good listening in a girl. Hey, I am not saying these. Google said so.

Well I have few problems with the lists.

Observation 1: Most of the lists include traits generally attributed to opposite sex. For example, men are generally considered ambitious and so if a woman exhibits this quality, it is assumed to be attractive to men. Women are generally considered to be shy in approach and when a man is shy, it is presumed to be attractive.

Observation 2: These lists try to undermine societal constructs. I wonder why, readership, brownie points for being non-judgemental? For example, they say men need not be sculpted or courageous to win a girl. While women need not be skinny or nibble at food or well behaved to be perceived as attractive.

Observation 3: Another major problem for me is that list includes contradictory statements. Why would an ambitious guy have time to listen to all your small things? Why would a quirky girl have good table manners? A guy might not be risk taking if he is protective of people around and girl might not be curvy if she is self-conscious.

Observation 4: A big chunk of qualities mentioned in the lists are physical attributes. Surprise! That’s not what my results say.

The beauty of the truth is there is no gender bias in attraction. Science or probability does not explain our individual preferences or the timing which lead to attraction. And you might have observed in the start of the reading that good listening is common between sexes in the lists and that I completely agree with. People want to be heard. Give them that if you really care about them. Attraction just follows.

Valentine Week - 7

“It is always boy meets a girl, they fall in love, they live happily ever after or part miserably”

Action, drama, thriller, horror even if any of these genres leave out the details, they could run on the story. But a love story is always only alive with the details. It is the little things that make sense.

People remember the ice cream scene in the movie Khushi (Telugu) or the Karwa chauth scene in DDLJ, the iconic Titanic pose from Titanic, of course. I absolutely adore this line from the novel “the fault in our stars”.

"I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once"

Love happens when you are not noticing. We detect physical attraction in the moment, we plan our dating life but falling in love is entirely different ball game.

So, this time I want to go into the depths of relationships, to find those little things that matter, that change the course of the heart a bit at a time without its knowledge. The inspiration behind the theme is a video from Matthew Hussey, the dating coach from UK. Watch it here

Valentine week has been always special for me and I write about love because I am madly, passionately, hopelessly in love with love. I believe miracles do happen around, magic does exist between two people and soulmates is a plausible concept. And it all boils down to the little things that build relationships. I can’t wait to share the happiest times of the people I spoke to.