Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Hmmm.. This year I passed on my confusion to my friends. Two simple questions it is.

"What comes to your mind when I say modern dating? N how is it different from traditional dating?"

I have huge consensus this year compared to any other survey I have done. So, a little analysis brought out following repeated themes in the responses.

1. No commitment

2. Sex

3. Online dating

No one wakes up one day, thinking now I would go around breaking hearts (may be except psychopaths). When we were forming opinions, we forget the part where we ourselves are integral in the "them". Commitment to what, really? I believe things changed in terms of our priorities and opinion leaders. Before it was from your family/close peers or further someone in news. Now, Google tells us what to do, what to wear, who to see, what to listen, whom to love, how to cure, why to live. Not exactly Google, but billions of voices trying to be heard, just like mine right now. People tend to be lost when they have no ONE philosophy in life. Good or Bad. Problem is now, we want to be good, always right and right. You see where that leads us. Nowhere.

In times like Aziz Ansari parents', they were looking for partners, now we looking for passion, which is a good thing we were programmed to believe. "Do what you are passionate about". Passion is uncontrollable by definition and cognitive control is what makes us human. Look for passion, its not a problem. But happiness is also a very sweet thing to be longing for.

As far as my opinion on change goes, I do not believe anything changed. Broken hearts are more vocal now, that's it. Twisted romances were silenced and in grape vine before but now on Twitter feed. Let's not forget that movies only divinize pen pal relationships. Watch any old art flick, you will see. Even if there is change, people not falling in love at first sight, is a good thing. Not committing life to a person we barely know is a good thing. Not letting past dictate the life is a good thing.Preferring someone who can be around you is a good thing.

Only change I would like to see is honesty. You never know, tell that guy/girl you are seeing someone else too and can't decide at the moment. He/She might surprise you (in any way). Let's be honest of what we are and what we feel, to others and most importantly us.

Fairy tales are not opposite of modern dating scenario. I think they are on the same side. Both reveal how imperfect we are. Meeting someone you like, falling in love and expecting a happily ever after or meeting someone you like, incapable of dealing with your emotional see-saw and quitting before making an effort, aren't they same as hell?

When I was going around asking people these questions, I had to comment to a friend that he and his wife are made for each other. He said "We know". WE KNOW. Do you think there would be such an audacious and beautiful statement if he hadn't taken a chance?

Happy Valentine's Day Folks!!!
 
Pata (Old) dating was to find the right partner. Kotta (New) dating is.... Lets have fun.... And if she is the right partner then its a bonus - Ashwin

Laziness for Going out and talking to people. Traditional - it was difficult to find a date. And you put in all kind of effort to keep up the relationship. Nowadays- its so easy to find a date so they don't have to put up with anyone. They have all the options they want. They can shift people whenever they like - Leena

Casual dating, To know each other's interests, Compatibility. May be when you feel someone is interesting to you, you try to meet them more, know them if they will be compatible with you etc. For changing it to a committed relationship. I know dating. I don't know modern - Kavya

Okay.. So u think dating scenario changed with time or its the same as before? - It's the same I guess - Ashish

I always felt.. dating is for romantic relationships which lead to marriage N only of they find something very different they breakup. But these days it's different. Marriage is like a big think even after 2 years of dating. Seems wierd. Commitment is a big thing. Companionship was more important then. Now physical intimacy also plays role. It sometimes starts with just physical needs - Shravani

It's more physical rather than emotional .... People are no more feeling shy to choose after testing all the aspects they want in the partner. Carefree .... Do want you want. You can date for fun or love or just companionship. It's ur choice. And when I say carefree first thing that comes to my mind is befikre movie- Anonymous Female

Going with a temporary relationship in mind from the outset. - Deepa

No strings attached/dating apps/changing girls/guys frequently. cuz no body is ready for commitment and the fact that most of them are broken hearts they find it difficult to get emotionally attached. Sex doesn't have a meaning. Romance doesn't happen like mostly. convenient companionship - Keerthi

Apudu (Then) distance used to not matter but now it does. I guess, Love was blind. Now it got eyes? Ears and everything. Commitment levels are less. Ppl want to explore options - Bindu

Umm...fear and lack of commitment In modern dating.. I am talking on indian basis. Lot of people just go for it without even slightest commitment and then are scared to make the call. Which can throw apart whatever they had.. - Tanuja

Sexxxx. Diff is in d name.. but not in modern/traditional. More Physical advancement, less break up time. - Vijay

Okapudu konchem emotional attachments vundevi (There used to be emotional attachment back then, as in they would like to take forward). Ante they would like to take it forward. And there's some effort they put in to make things work out. Ipudu work out avvakapothe vadhileyadam (Now they give up if it does not work out). Ante it's OK to break up types lo. Break up is some kind of fashion laga - Monica

Tinder. Dating antene modern. Thers nothing traditional about it ani na opinion (Dating is itself modern. My opinion is there's nothing traditional about it) - Siri

Stupidity. Ppl cant go out and find junta .. Instead they sit with lap or phone and think  they will find love. Not even love. You really don't know my feelings on this current topic. In same way, you really don't connect emotionally when you try all these online things. They are good for time pass. In order to know,what the opposite person feels, its always better to be right next to,them. - Sachin

didnt know that there are 2 diff kinds of datings. i think dating itself is modern. i equate dating to having a choice who u wanna be with. - Chandu

Hookups ..  Preconceived notion on somebody from their social media profiles - Vignesh

Modern days or in current world,  dating has become more common and people are open about their relation. And for some reason if it doesn't work with a particular boy or girl..  They just move on.. This is what I noticed from discussions with my cousins  and other kids who are in 18 to 25 yards old now. I feel people do feel...  But move on much faster...  I felt dear zindagi movie depicts this very well. But are they experiencing the real love for each other is something I doubt...  Could be the reason for more breakups... - Sushmitha


Everything is fast. Online like tinder matching , going to bars for date. Live in. Girls paying on first date. Girls asking boys out. Endless chatting instead of talking on phone. Making more travel plans with each other. More open about relationship - Shivam

Picking up from clubs. Modern dating is similar to traditional dating in many ways but it's quick. Lesser time to commit and lot of confusion to commit. Basically people doesn't want to commit in modern dating easily. And more thing is there is fuck up in Indian system. People who are dating in India always have a back up of arranged marriage, so they are not actually that serious when compared to Western states, where they date to get married eventually - Puneeth

When i think of writing about this a question comes to mind, how do i differentiate between the two ?? Am i so old that i have seen both the sides ?? or was i on the cusp when the transition happened.

Just the other day there was a discussion and ppl where deciding on what gifts to buy for Valentines. Options were ranging from flowers, cakes etc but buying will happen online and thats when i realized that this was when the transition happened. Internet among all things has changed the dating experience altogether. It even helps to find you a date a task traditionally entrusted to your social circle. The convenience of having everything at the click of the mouse has made things easier for us in this regard as well. Try and visualize yourself going through gift shops to buy that perfect gifts, hopping through flower shops to find the fresh flower for your lover.....all of this has been replaced now. there are dedicated sites in each of these areas to help you out. Instead of shops you browse sites. that for me is how modern dating has changed. On a personal note though all this internet thing is helpful, would still prefer the old school way which i feel has more of a personal touch. but hey thats just me :) - Anonymous male

Sources:

http://www.newlovetimes.com/a-guide-to-modern-dating-terms-you-didnt-know-you-needed/

http://www.vagabomb.com/Slang-Terms-to-Update-Your-Modern-Dating-Dictionary/

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/dating-relationship-terms-terms-what-they-mean-game-ghosting-benching-dtr-fbo-thirst-trap-a7486511.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/02/dating-language_n_4338743.html

http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/india-today-sex-survey-most-indian-women-find-premarital-and-extramarital-sex-unacceptable/1/206292.html

Valentine Week - 2

Calling on someone is now just a ping and there are numerous sites to think for you in buying loved one a gift or even better, finding that loved one. Our bodies somehow haven't evolved as much as the other facets of life and hearts not more than that. So, while mediums of dating and philosophies of dating came a long way, there are ground rules I found that dictate the falling apart of relationships.

1. Flirting - Its an old principle I have thought of years ago and that's valid now too.

A girl thinks her life has become beautiful and every day comes with a new surprise when she gets a man who makes her feel special each and every moment of togetherness.

3 possibilities arise after this

1)All is fine if this is all only for her and he means whatever he says. Then he is her lover. (positive)
2)If he speaks this way to ten other girls, obviously he doesn't mean what he says, then he is flirt (neutral)
3)If he speaks this way to ten other girls, without each knowing the other, he is a cheat (negative)


Feel free to change the gender.

2. Break up - The one reason that can leave hearts tangled and twisted for a long time if there is no good bye. Even when you messed up with a guy/girl, that's acting on your chances. Not letting the other person know it, makes it worse. Get the courage to say to the face. Ghosting or whatever thing that internet says is being done or fine is not at all fine. Think as if it prepares you to fire someone when you are climbing that corporate ladder you love so much.

"Hey, I don't think we would work." is all it takes (and some kilos of drama you have to handle after).

3. Timing - Time, that old b***h. She can save you or fire you. Do not delay on things that are important to take care of, like rejecting someone who expressed interest in you. Time lets you spin in many lies and it will be too late before you know it. As much as rejection is mortifying to the ego (both), let go of the adoration.

Same principle holds for acting on your feelings too, but less regrettable. Trust me.

4. Ground rules - While on the subject, I Googled what rules are for modern dating after all and found many interesting ideas. Splitting the date cheque, women initiating the first move, keeping details to yourself rather than close friend's assessment. Forget them all. Your partner however boring and normal he/she might be is unique. If not him/her, the bond between any two people is. Finding the right thing to do at all times is the last thing you would know in a relationship. You act based on the circumstances and "Just Go With It".

5. Sorry - Yes, you heard it. The life savior. I was watching this episode in the series Suits today and there was this line about feeling sorry and actually saying it. We might mean it many a times but saying it out loud makes hell lot of difference. "Its never too late to apologize"

Honesty is a tricky concept in relationships. How do you pour all your heart out in one date or even on 100th? There are dirty little secrets in the closet which take years to pop out. But will that bug destroy everything you built till that point? Find that bug and let it out first. How about one ground rule for all this madness? Do not pass on your self-deception to the person you are seeing.

Valentine Week - 3

While Indian film industry does create a ruckus in young minds with repeated concepts like love at first sight or timeless love, it does also bring out few movies that discuss the complexities of romance, well with its own infusion of drama and contradicting opinions.

  1. OK Kanmani/Bangaram/Jaanu - Gotta give it to the master, for no one leaves the theatre without blushing even once. This film is in perfect urban setting, portraying true urbanized individuals, discussing the conflict of hearts. We want best of both worlds and sometimes not ready to compromise. There, instead of practicality, creativity helps you. Though the movie misled public of a live-in relationship as without limiting individual choices (trust me its not like you can disappear whenever you want to and come back as you wish), career aspirations' and romantic interests' WWE match was pretty good reality check.

2. Befikre - The trailer was completely misleading and the movie more than that. Using the friendship boat to sail through break up anxiety, haven't we seen that already so much? Except for the metaphor of bungee, there was not much new the movie offers (may be except the sizzle).

3. Tanu Weds Manu Returns - Oh! You didn't expect this? Why not? The film beautifully overturns the argument of stable male lead and crazy female lead of the first film and gives us the verdict that no one is perfect. Feelings are always complicated but we as humans have to be rational for simplifying our lives with good judgement.

4. Dear Zindagi - Not everyday you see a mainstream Bollywood movie take a shrink into the plot and not for "serious" mental illness. I still hear many of my friends with lot of exposure say that the protagonist problem wasn't "big" enough to see a psychologist. I am done arguing with them. I have seen a girl who ended her life over her break up and I wished so much she would have turned to any online mental help. Not every person is same and not the same reaction comes out for the same incident. The movie brings out the tiny Indian guilt cropping up into women when they love more than once. Beating yourself up for trying to find someone is utter waste. However, pacing the heart's ventures slow is also very important

5. Love Aaj Kal - Movie hated by many and still one of my favorites. People miss out on the fairy tale-ish angle for the movie. That made for each other bullshit is ingrained in the movie which is mocked by itself. My favorite take away is that we always take time to realise what we really want. It might be years, but we will get there if we keep looking without giving up.

6. Orange - The only Telugu film I love in this relation. I can go hours talking about it but one thing sticking out of this one that impresses me is being confused is ok but make that clear to your partner. Broken hearts always start with dishonesty.

There might be many others but movies like Shudh Desi Romance only remind me of Indrani Mukherjee trial.

Valentine Week - 4

“Modern dating is moving more and more towards dating apps. This is an immediate gratification or rejection in many ways, and often times skips the normal courtship of talking and getting to know each other. I see the dating start and burn out much faster before they find the one. Dating has changed due to people focusing more on career into longer years, and prioritizing this, or they were married young, divorced, and are back out in the dating world. They need new avenues to meet people and connect.” -Psychologist and counselor, Nikki Martinez, Psy.d., LCPC

I am not sure of what she is saying. But dug into dating apps famous in India to find out the size of online dating culture.

Tinder's Indian user count grew a staggering 400 percent in 2015. The amount of daily swipes has jumped from 7.5 million to 14 million. Let's settle on 20-25 million by today as we speak. Truly Madly users count stands at 2.2 million as of 2016.

Other popular ones are Woo, OKCupid, Aisle. We can all agree of another 2 million users on these platforms. Assuming part overlap, there looks like nearly 25 million are looking for partners online.

Haa, but aren't we ignoring the elephant in the room? The big fat blue "f" elephant. In 2015, Facebook touched 125 million users in India, making it the social networking giant's second largest market globally, men made up an overwhelming 76% of the user base. An APAC report in 2016, says that the overall social media usage in the country has grown by 23% since March 2015.

This is getting to be significant proportion of the Indian youth population and here are few of my observations.

1. Online space as much as it is proving to be safer to transact is also now getting comfortable for youngsters to trust the people they come across

2. Distance matters and location advantage provided by dating apps is a game changer

3. The seriousness spectrum is hard to decode as it changes with the individual's mind set at that point. The view changes so fast with experiences

4. There is a thing called finding someone online and there is an entirely different thing of loving online. Only one specific way of communication as primary (sometimes only) preference is in itself a huge subject to ponder upon

Above all, I still have trouble believing the probability of diving into cheating, disappointments, heart breaks is higher here than it can be in real world meet-cutes.

Valentine Week - 5

OK, Now I am daring to write about a very tricky concept in India. After all, discussing modern dating without that sounded incomplete. Following findings from various surveys over the past decade attempt at decoding the stand of India on premarital sex.

1. India Today Group MDRA Sex Survey (conducted across 19 cities)

• 76 per cent of respondents said their first sexual encounter was when they were between 18-26 years of age.
• A significant 13 per cent were below the age of 18.
• In Mumbai specifically, as many has 31 per cent respondents had their first sexual encounter when they were below 18

2. According to the HT-MaRS Youth Survey, an unprecedented 61% believe that premarital sex is no longer a taboo. Only, when it comes to marriage, 63% want their partners to be virgins

3. Men and women in Delhi, Mumbai, Chennai, Hyderabad, Kolkata are candidly admitting to casual-dating two or more persons at any given time

And few findings from older Google pages.

1. In 1994, an INDIA TODAY-MARG survey among 1,365 undergraduates from eight cities found that 18 per cent girls accepted premarital sex, 15 per cent didn't mind using sex appeal to get ahead and 34 per cent were amenable to having a fling even while going steady.

2. More than 40% of young urban couples in India say they have had sex before marriage. The survey conducted by India's leading condom manufacturer, Kamasutra, also revealed that a third of those polled had had sex before the age of 21.

3. 33 per cent have had pre-marital sex, while 50 per cent deny having it, in another survey done in 1996

None of these make any sense, because all surveys at the end proclaim the Great Indian hypocrisy. Why would truths be told if base of the argument is hypocrisy?

The only point I wanted to understand and make it to the bench is that physical intimacy is an important (the differentiator if I may be bravely stupid to proclaim so) element of romantic pursuits whether acknowledged or not by any community at any point of life on earth. Considering it as a taboo does not make one "pure" or "pious" or "true Indian" or "civilized" and using it as a toy does not make one "mature" or "advanced" or "liberated". There are emotional and physical consequences to both approaches.

Valentine Week - 6

While trying to simplify the very nature of dating in a world run on mobile phones, current generation has compiled a dictionary for itself.

Benching - Being inconsistent in your treatment of a person, when you are unsure of your feelings for them

Softboy - A man who poses as a complicated person with emotions, but is ultimately selfish, is a softboy.

"He discusses his ex-girlfriend within the first thirty minutes of the date. He talks about her in a sad, wistful way rather than a snarky, resentful way… He is artistic. He is aware. He is still a d—,

Haunting - The ghost (who cut off you earlier) returning through social media interactions without being directly in touch with you, is haunting!

Sliding - A form of social media flirting, especially Twitter DM

Tuning - Flirting with "Lets see" attitude

Passive ghosting - When someone who is not interested in dating a person still responds and shows slight interest, leaving that person in a constant state of confusion

Talking - A casual way of saying that you two have started “seeing each other.”

Cuffing season - Fall and winter, the time of the year you don’t want to be single in! The cuffing makes you want to say, “’til spring do us part!”

DTR - Define the Relationship

Boo Thing/ Boo thang - A boo thing/ thang refers to your love interest

Ghosting - Fading out or ending contact without giving any explanation whatsoever or breaking up in straightforward way.

Zombieing - A zombie is one who has ghosted you before, but re-emerges using a social media channel, thus opening a can of worms.

Swerve - Swerve means to dodge someone you are not interested in

Bae - Bae means Before Anyone Else

Catch and Release - Catch and Release is a common tactic that daters use while chasing someone. If that someone is reeled in, this commitment-phobe suddenly gets bored and is all, “See you later!”

Cute-a-gory - A category based solely on looks! This system lets you rate from 0 to 10, and then helps you decide whether they are out of your league or not

Feminist boyfriend - Attracted to assertive women, rather than getting intimidated by them

Lumbersexual - These men have rugged beards, are nature’s pets (at least stalking them on their Instagram page gives that idea!), and wear flannels and daddy jeans. If you are a hipster, this is your meat!

Non-date date - It includes plenty of alcohol, intense eye contact, a subtle flirty vibe, and lots & lots of confusion.

On a thing - When you are ‘on a thing,’ you mean you are in a relationship, and are quite serious about it

Textlationship - Instead of personal dates, you'll have long conversations, flirt sessions over texts only

Draking- the act of wallowing in your sorrows caused by the opposite sex

The Lemming - Someone that, despite exclusively dating, will ditch their partner as soon as a friend comes out of a relationship

FBO - This term stands for Facebook Official, officially changing relationship status on FB.

And I thought use of jargon to screw people over more than they already are is exclusive to MBAs and corporates. Most of the nomenclature can be translated to a single phrase. Mixed Signals.

Valentine Week - 7

Well, its that time of the year again and due for my week long rant on the construct of "love", which pretty much looks like no one cares about anymore. My rant, may be few but love, no one.

While scavenging for a discussion topic for this week, a term called 'modern dating' came up. It is intriguing on the face of it but got me confused after a while. What are we saying when we use that term? Dating scenario of today? Are we referring to the modern ways of dating? It didn't feel as just a descriptive term. There are allegations, judgements and opinions surrounding the term which reverberated in the tone and usage of it.

So, I got my concept for the week. Lets explore it together.

First things first. The wiki definition. Unfortunately, wiki isn't as advanced as the generation it belongs to. There is no page for modern dating as such, proving again my point that modern dating is not just a simple term. Then, I came across this post by Aziz Ansari on modern dating. While he mostly devoted his piece to online dating, this particular paragraph captured the typical thought process of 20's in 2000's.

"Let’s look at how I do things, maybe with a slightly less important decision, like the time I had to pick where to eat dinner in Seattle when I was on tour last year. First I texted four friends who travel and eat out a lot and whose judgment I trust. I checked the website Eater for its Heat Map, which includes new, tasty restaurants in the city. Then I checked Yelp. And GQ’s online guide to Seattle. Finally I made my selection: Il Corvo, an Italian place that sounded amazing. Unfortunately, it was closed. (It only served lunch.) At that point I had run out of time because I had a show to do, so I ended up making a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich on the bus."

There isn't one friend in my circle who has a lunch plan far from the above, so much so that it sounds the only way of working on things. While it's not a far off thought that this decision tree is used for soulmate seeking as well, modern dating is much more than just having options to work on. Let's start and see how it goes.