Happy Valentine's Day!!!

And so, just like that, its been 10 years since I started Valentine week. Feels like yesterday when me and 2 friends in IIT Madras roamed on the roads of our campus, me scaring one of them that I would be out proposing a random guy in a week (I wasn't going to). There it started the question of ways to propose someone. When I go back and watch those posts, over the years my tone changed, few of my views changed but I think the value I place on the concept did not change. Between quizzes in college, group studies in MBA, crazy work schedules in my first job and when I did not have energy to even raise a finger, Valentine week kept going.

Only thing I wish by writing these posts is that people should not feel foolish or embarrassed or immature to talk about love and its failings. I guess its about the vulnerability that is dead-given about love. People are not equipped to deal with vulnerability, for that matter even accept it. I am not any different but still I would want my next generation to be (I must be getting old to even say that).

There is a couple I know whom I asked this year’s question. The wife mentioned she was moved by how during their fights her husband, then boyfriend came to her from wherever he is, to just continue the fight in person. He said he loved how she knows about him and how that is reflected in the gifts she gives. So, the little things are not restricted to start of the relationship. They keep going on.

And there is another couple so very near and dear to me. The husband is always frustrated with the way wife carries a lot of stuff when they have to go out and wife cribs about his driving even if its just traffic. One of the bickering sessions in the front row of the car, in the middle of argument, husband says, “Put on the seat belt, the police are particular here” and continued to complain.

Well she continued to cut him off, giving words back, pulling the seat belt and trying to find the latch. She was not able to find it because of the saree she wrapped around in hurry. She blurted “What happened, did you remove the latch?” and that made the husband laugh a little, abruptly. That was a very profound moment for me. Its another story that they continued their fight after that too. They have been married for 29 years now and that’s my parents.

It would be wonderful to find someone who can keep us interested even after decades. We have to be open to notice the little things that happen in our lives to find that charm over and over again.

I can’t be unfair and not share mine. So, here it goes. I think the thing I got attracted to, is the comforting voice. I am a lot of times in anxious mode (everyone knows) and listening to that voice drove away a lot of tension and made me feel relaxed. Words didn’t matter, only the sound of it.

Happy Valentine’s Day !!

Valentine Week - 2

Here are the stories I heard and loved.

Story 1:

My husband and I were part of same training batch. A lot of us in my batch were not local to chennai and we got to hangout a lot as a group during the first few months of training. My husband was the local bakra with a good old Omni, that we all used to go out in! So basically we got to spend a lot of time together and know each other.

Its tough to say that there are just few things i liked about him. But, if i have to mention a few, it might be

1. He was charismatic, intellectual, and attached to family

2. respects women and believes that women should be independent and should not be stuck to home.

3. person of high values, forward thinker, disciplined and God fearing

4. Never smoked or touched alcohol which i was particular about.

Lastly, he used write letters  which I treasure till date.

Oh yeah.. He is actually not that yoyo guy. Would be happy with a laptop, comfortable couch and some music. But then during those days he used to organize a lot of outings with friends so we could hangout ever more 😃. He had even planned an entire trip to munnar with 25 of us, so we could spend more time together. But didnt realize this hidden agenda for a very long time.

Story 2

·         Catching my hand when I am scared though I didn't ask him to

·         Without saying a word making me feel I am not alone in anything

·         Silently protecting me, letting me have fun without boundaries and staying around since I will need him later on (like when I  drunk or tired)

·         When he said any of his celebrations are incomplete without me (never expected me to reciprocate)

·         When he alters his plans to just accommodate an hour with me

·         Talking with me all night since I am not able to sleep

·         Got me some childhood chocolates which I thought didn't exist anymore ( when I knew he is paying attention to all little things I say)

·         Making me do unconventional things like winking in a train or giving flying kiss in a public place or dancing with unknown crowd

Story 3

romantic gestures. ..Unconditional love & kindness....has time for pleasant conversations often.

Story 4

I remember her adjusting her wavy hair away from her face... She used to slide those curly strands behind her ear... She would do it with such elegance and grace... Used to stare at her like anything.... I sware I could look at her for eons... Sheer beauty!!!

Sometimes she finds out that I'm staring...

A simple question with her eyes "Enna?"

And I'm like "Onnum illa" and heads down with a smile...

I dono what to call this

But for me it was happiness

I used to feel out of this world

But she is one soul who can understand the unspoken words by having a glance at my eyes!

Story 5

I toh like everything bey😋

The way he talks, walks, eats, sleeps,  fights etc etc

When I met him the second time, I saw him walk around the room.  He was speaking in Telugu about some office work.

I was flat that very moment the way he was walking, talking and his hand gestures 😍😍

Also, the way he strokes his hair like SRK 🤩🤩

Story 6

The common ideas, Listening, time spent, some kind of validation to my thoughts and ideas and choices, making me overcome the thought of not being enough. It's always incremental

Story 7

I would say her personality, simplicity and when we met, we could talk about everything

Story 8

Friendly and jovial nature, boldness, Traditional thinking when it comes to customs, food, dressing etc.

I had a fight with her long back, wen she was carrying. She was trying to pacify me after the fight.  I ignored her, and unexpectedly she started crying. I still feel guilty of making her cry that day (made her cry many times after that too😜) .  But it was also an incident which made me realise that how much love and attention she expected from me.

Story 9

Actually i love his dimples

After our engagement we met at one restaurant in his hometown. On that day he gifted me a watch. He was too shy while giving me that and words not coming out properly. I actually attracted to his innocence and his innocent dimples

Story 10

How comfortable I felt around her , her warm and genuine smile which symbolizes general happiness and her comfortable ease in situations  , her incredibly charming personality ,  her guffaws that is undeniably attractive 

Specifics

• When she takes care of me when I’m sick and end up catching my viral a couple of days after
• When she plays with kids in my apartment and goes back to being a 5 year old herself
• Fact that she has big ambitious dreams for her/our future
• The way she gets excited over her mom's food and eats like a horse instead of eating like a bird
• Very fact that she is capable of quickly calming me down with her hug when I have had the worse days
• Her voice when she's sleepy
• The way she is protective over her parents

Story 11

Their willingness to settle for less in life 😇

Story 12

The fact that what is important to me matters to him, remembers them and indirectly shows it. He cares for my friends and family more than I do as he knows that they matter the most to me. Which was one of the things which most impressed me before the wedding.

My opinions matter. I am not taken for granted. For someone like me, I think that means that I feel valued and respected..

Him scolding me when I don't take care of myself and small surprises like, making sure he has dinner ready for me when I text him that I had a long day.

Or him explaining things where I go wrong with patience and tolerating my impatience.

One thing definitely was the proposal I had.. (Romantic proposal in arranged marriage)

Story 13

Simplicity and honesty I guess

And for tomorrow, that's a surprise.

Valentine Week - 3

I didn’t want to help my friends when I asked my Valentine week question by giving examples. I just wanted to know how they react, really explore how they perceive little things in relationships to be. But movies provide hell lot of instances to derive from. I am jotting down a few that came across my mind today. These are only one of the many things that define the chemistry.

Khushi (Telugu): The scene where the hero declines to lift the shirt of heroine for an injection. Have you seen the look on the heroine’s face? That’s what I am talking about, attraction. Did she know prior hand that she likes a guy who would do so? No, its just the moment and a revelation about the importance he gives to her.

Mirchi (Telugu): Have you seen the short scene of Prabhas observing Anushka in the middle of a song where she serves his father? A girl who cares about the people around her is desirable to him and that moment he felt her personality.

Jab We Met (Hindi): Remember the scene on the terrace where Geet and Aditya will be hiding before the elopement? Geet gives her philosophy behind acting according to her heart. Aditya did see her crazy side before, did enjoy her innocence and childishness. But knowing where all this comes from makes a greater impact in that scene.

27 Dresses (Hollywood): When all she hears all day is requests and demands, when suddenly someone tells her its okay to say no, the girl definitely feels more comfortable with that someone.

Seducing Mr. Perfect (Korean): Sometimes, hearing someone say what we wanted to hear makes all the difference. Remember the scene after the heroine dumps her beau and talks to the hero? The minute he utters exactly the words that ran in her head, she gives a sweet smile. However, the moment he actually yells at her out of concern leads to stronger feelings.

Jab Harry Met Sejal (Hindi): No matter what, I am Shah rukh fan and his romantic expressions are world-renowned. But this one is ultra special. The scene where the couple hide behind the windows of a boat to escape from the goons, the expression on Shah rukh face, its memorable. Not a word is spoken but his feelings are crystal clear. There is absolutely nothing significant happening there but the proximity, her dependency on him overpowers the dire situation too in his mind.

Valentine Week - 4

Okay now. The undisputed element of attraction between male and female, physical appearance. There are only 40-50 million completely blind people in the world and rest all very well have something or the other that impressed them in their partner physically. While psychologists to neighbour aunties might have given enough knowledge to people on these characteristics, I personally found from people and surroundings, something else altogether. Here is the summary.

Voice: A deep baritone like Alan Rickman or Benedict Cumberbatch and sweet, melodious like Mandy Moore or Shreya Ghoshal. Well, that’s what we would think but no. People are complex, a comforting voice from a male and a deep voice from female (like Sai Pallavi) does the trick too.

Hair: What’s with Indian men’s obsession over long hair (you know in addition to saris)? A friend of mine is looking for a lady with long hair (and voice like Momina. Let me know if anyone found such being). Well again, can’t settle on this since another friend of mine was happy just to see the small strand on the girl’s face pulled back.

Laugh: There is something very contagious about a plain-hearted laugh. Anyone can fall for that. One of my friends mentioned how he got attracted to his wife’s guffaws (he called them so).

Dimples: Now that’s my favorite too (:P). I guess it is for many women out there, as well as men. The smile just goes to next level, doesn’t it?

Smile: There is some never ending mystery in a tiny smile. It is the universal language and it is a clear message of happiness. People do love having smiles around (Unless it is a serial killer or Ram Gopal Varma) that brightens the day, especially men.

Surprisingly the usual suspect eyes did not get mentioned, hey, the sample isn’t that big or diverse or reliable or explicit. Strong arms or long legs and stuff like that are only mentioned by singles.

The funny thing is that these are just items much like ingredients and how they turn to be attractive to someone is a secret recipe.

Valentine Week - 5

So, before we go into little things, what are the big things? Well, it might be a very subjective thing and I haven’t asked around or Googled for this. But my thought, here it goes.

• Monogamy: As much as it is taken for granted, it tends to be a question. We just can only trust it exists in our relationship.

• In sickness: Whatever may be the state you get together in, however things turn into, sticking together in sickness isn’t easy.

• Parents: In India or may be anywhere in the world, standing up for the loved one in front of parents is not everyone’s cup of tea

• Personal freedom: Relationships demand accommodating another person in your schedule as a prerequisite. It comes at the cost of giving up on some (may be large) amount of me-time

• Commitment: Recently I came across this beautiful quote, “Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you” Can’t sum it up better than that. It takes me back to my favorite movie “Orange” (cant think of a valentine week without its mention or mere thought). The flower pot is a symbol for commitment, building up broken things.

While on some level, we all tend to appreciate these, may be in different measures but we do. But little things can easily be overlooked but they are the daily boosters to keep the romance alive.

Valentine Week - 6

So as usual, millennial in me, looked through Google first to find the actual things people find attractive in the opposite sex. After all, Google has the power of numbers. But apparently attraction is gender based according to Google.

I guess not all websites concur on many things but have few repeated themes. Women mostly find sense of humour, drive, chivalry, good listening attractive in a guy. On the other hand, Men mostly fall for voice, smile, manners, good listening in a girl. Hey, I am not saying these. Google said so.

Well I have few problems with the lists.

Observation 1: Most of the lists include traits generally attributed to opposite sex. For example, men are generally considered ambitious and so if a woman exhibits this quality, it is assumed to be attractive to men. Women are generally considered to be shy in approach and when a man is shy, it is presumed to be attractive.

Observation 2: These lists try to undermine societal constructs. I wonder why, readership, brownie points for being non-judgemental? For example, they say men need not be sculpted or courageous to win a girl. While women need not be skinny or nibble at food or well behaved to be perceived as attractive.

Observation 3: Another major problem for me is that list includes contradictory statements. Why would an ambitious guy have time to listen to all your small things? Why would a quirky girl have good table manners? A guy might not be risk taking if he is protective of people around and girl might not be curvy if she is self-conscious.

Observation 4: A big chunk of qualities mentioned in the lists are physical attributes. Surprise! That’s not what my results say.

The beauty of the truth is there is no gender bias in attraction. Science or probability does not explain our individual preferences or the timing which lead to attraction. And you might have observed in the start of the reading that good listening is common between sexes in the lists and that I completely agree with. People want to be heard. Give them that if you really care about them. Attraction just follows.

Valentine Week - 7

“It is always boy meets a girl, they fall in love, they live happily ever after or part miserably”

Action, drama, thriller, horror even if any of these genres leave out the details, they could run on the story. But a love story is always only alive with the details. It is the little things that make sense.

People remember the ice cream scene in the movie Khushi (Telugu) or the Karwa chauth scene in DDLJ, the iconic Titanic pose from Titanic, of course. I absolutely adore this line from the novel “the fault in our stars”.

"I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once"

Love happens when you are not noticing. We detect physical attraction in the moment, we plan our dating life but falling in love is entirely different ball game.

So, this time I want to go into the depths of relationships, to find those little things that matter, that change the course of the heart a bit at a time without its knowledge. The inspiration behind the theme is a video from Matthew Hussey, the dating coach from UK. Watch it here

Valentine week has been always special for me and I write about love because I am madly, passionately, hopelessly in love with love. I believe miracles do happen around, magic does exist between two people and soulmates is a plausible concept. And it all boils down to the little things that build relationships. I can’t wait to share the happiest times of the people I spoke to.

Meant to be

Recently I was pondering over this term, "Meant to be". Each of us has used it at some point of time. I suspect that my entire college life I had used only that to console my heart broken friends. Of course to myself. To actually say it out loud, I had based an entire relationship on that, embarrassingly so. How do we decide what is "meant to be"? To begin with, what do we mean when we say meant to be?

It has got some major assumptions. There is a predestined path for each of us. It is decided already, how our future going to turn out to be. We are just blind people grazing through the bright world, which has got all the answers of our existence. Sometimes, by a moment of sight or something we touch, this truth is revealed to us. The 'Meant to be". OK. This is beyond acceptable to me. I am a strict follower of free will. This theory reduces free will to a joke.

But why are people buying this stuff? The love, patience and effort required in a relationship are discarded as mere by products of so-called meant to be. Isn't it great to feel that "we are together because we liked each other so much and could not stand any other way of life rather than with each other"? Doesn't that give you strength as opposed to being part of someone else' plan?

I guess not. The underlying power of this "Meant to be" is our basic need for a higher power. A guide to our lost lives. We like to believe that our lives are not drifting away direction less, wasted in course of time. So, we love the idea of someone far greater than us approving of our choices in life, a career, a dream house or our life partner. Moreover, there is endless chaos in love. I have seen many relationships, that ended in marriage, suffer through patches of time when they were sure that things were going downhill. Anything pertaining to heart is messy, all that it wants is twisted.

With such ever-puzzling tone in relationships, it is soothing to think that the one sure shot way of finding if we are heading towards "Happily Ever After" (another cliche), is to WAIT. It could be for a dazzling neon sign of "Meant to be" or an inner search for our own stand.

Happy Valentine's Day!!! (Belated)

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Hmmm.. This year I passed on my confusion to my friends. Two simple questions it is.

"What comes to your mind when I say modern dating? N how is it different from traditional dating?"

I have huge consensus this year compared to any other survey I have done. So, a little analysis brought out following repeated themes in the responses.

1. No commitment

2. Sex

3. Online dating

No one wakes up one day, thinking now I would go around breaking hearts (may be except psychopaths). When we were forming opinions, we forget the part where we ourselves are integral in the "them". Commitment to what, really? I believe things changed in terms of our priorities and opinion leaders. Before it was from your family/close peers or further someone in news. Now, Google tells us what to do, what to wear, who to see, what to listen, whom to love, how to cure, why to live. Not exactly Google, but billions of voices trying to be heard, just like mine right now. People tend to be lost when they have no ONE philosophy in life. Good or Bad. Problem is now, we want to be good, always right and right. You see where that leads us. Nowhere.

In times like Aziz Ansari parents', they were looking for partners, now we looking for passion, which is a good thing we were programmed to believe. "Do what you are passionate about". Passion is uncontrollable by definition and cognitive control is what makes us human. Look for passion, its not a problem. But happiness is also a very sweet thing to be longing for.

As far as my opinion on change goes, I do not believe anything changed. Broken hearts are more vocal now, that's it. Twisted romances were silenced and in grape vine before but now on Twitter feed. Let's not forget that movies only divinize pen pal relationships. Watch any old art flick, you will see. Even if there is change, people not falling in love at first sight, is a good thing. Not committing life to a person we barely know is a good thing. Not letting past dictate the life is a good thing.Preferring someone who can be around you is a good thing.

Only change I would like to see is honesty. You never know, tell that guy/girl you are seeing someone else too and can't decide at the moment. He/She might surprise you (in any way). Let's be honest of what we are and what we feel, to others and most importantly us.

Fairy tales are not opposite of modern dating scenario. I think they are on the same side. Both reveal how imperfect we are. Meeting someone you like, falling in love and expecting a happily ever after or meeting someone you like, incapable of dealing with your emotional see-saw and quitting before making an effort, aren't they same as hell?

When I was going around asking people these questions, I had to comment to a friend that he and his wife are made for each other. He said "We know". WE KNOW. Do you think there would be such an audacious and beautiful statement if he hadn't taken a chance?

Happy Valentine's Day Folks!!!
 
Pata (Old) dating was to find the right partner. Kotta (New) dating is.... Lets have fun.... And if she is the right partner then its a bonus - Ashwin

Laziness for Going out and talking to people. Traditional - it was difficult to find a date. And you put in all kind of effort to keep up the relationship. Nowadays- its so easy to find a date so they don't have to put up with anyone. They have all the options they want. They can shift people whenever they like - Leena

Casual dating, To know each other's interests, Compatibility. May be when you feel someone is interesting to you, you try to meet them more, know them if they will be compatible with you etc. For changing it to a committed relationship. I know dating. I don't know modern - Kavya

Okay.. So u think dating scenario changed with time or its the same as before? - It's the same I guess - Ashish

I always felt.. dating is for romantic relationships which lead to marriage N only of they find something very different they breakup. But these days it's different. Marriage is like a big think even after 2 years of dating. Seems wierd. Commitment is a big thing. Companionship was more important then. Now physical intimacy also plays role. It sometimes starts with just physical needs - Shravani

It's more physical rather than emotional .... People are no more feeling shy to choose after testing all the aspects they want in the partner. Carefree .... Do want you want. You can date for fun or love or just companionship. It's ur choice. And when I say carefree first thing that comes to my mind is befikre movie- Anonymous Female

Going with a temporary relationship in mind from the outset. - Deepa

No strings attached/dating apps/changing girls/guys frequently. cuz no body is ready for commitment and the fact that most of them are broken hearts they find it difficult to get emotionally attached. Sex doesn't have a meaning. Romance doesn't happen like mostly. convenient companionship - Keerthi

Apudu (Then) distance used to not matter but now it does. I guess, Love was blind. Now it got eyes? Ears and everything. Commitment levels are less. Ppl want to explore options - Bindu

Umm...fear and lack of commitment In modern dating.. I am talking on indian basis. Lot of people just go for it without even slightest commitment and then are scared to make the call. Which can throw apart whatever they had.. - Tanuja

Sexxxx. Diff is in d name.. but not in modern/traditional. More Physical advancement, less break up time. - Vijay

Okapudu konchem emotional attachments vundevi (There used to be emotional attachment back then, as in they would like to take forward). Ante they would like to take it forward. And there's some effort they put in to make things work out. Ipudu work out avvakapothe vadhileyadam (Now they give up if it does not work out). Ante it's OK to break up types lo. Break up is some kind of fashion laga - Monica

Tinder. Dating antene modern. Thers nothing traditional about it ani na opinion (Dating is itself modern. My opinion is there's nothing traditional about it) - Siri

Stupidity. Ppl cant go out and find junta .. Instead they sit with lap or phone and think  they will find love. Not even love. You really don't know my feelings on this current topic. In same way, you really don't connect emotionally when you try all these online things. They are good for time pass. In order to know,what the opposite person feels, its always better to be right next to,them. - Sachin

didnt know that there are 2 diff kinds of datings. i think dating itself is modern. i equate dating to having a choice who u wanna be with. - Chandu

Hookups ..  Preconceived notion on somebody from their social media profiles - Vignesh

Modern days or in current world,  dating has become more common and people are open about their relation. And for some reason if it doesn't work with a particular boy or girl..  They just move on.. This is what I noticed from discussions with my cousins  and other kids who are in 18 to 25 yards old now. I feel people do feel...  But move on much faster...  I felt dear zindagi movie depicts this very well. But are they experiencing the real love for each other is something I doubt...  Could be the reason for more breakups... - Sushmitha


Everything is fast. Online like tinder matching , going to bars for date. Live in. Girls paying on first date. Girls asking boys out. Endless chatting instead of talking on phone. Making more travel plans with each other. More open about relationship - Shivam

Picking up from clubs. Modern dating is similar to traditional dating in many ways but it's quick. Lesser time to commit and lot of confusion to commit. Basically people doesn't want to commit in modern dating easily. And more thing is there is fuck up in Indian system. People who are dating in India always have a back up of arranged marriage, so they are not actually that serious when compared to Western states, where they date to get married eventually - Puneeth

When i think of writing about this a question comes to mind, how do i differentiate between the two ?? Am i so old that i have seen both the sides ?? or was i on the cusp when the transition happened.

Just the other day there was a discussion and ppl where deciding on what gifts to buy for Valentines. Options were ranging from flowers, cakes etc but buying will happen online and thats when i realized that this was when the transition happened. Internet among all things has changed the dating experience altogether. It even helps to find you a date a task traditionally entrusted to your social circle. The convenience of having everything at the click of the mouse has made things easier for us in this regard as well. Try and visualize yourself going through gift shops to buy that perfect gifts, hopping through flower shops to find the fresh flower for your lover.....all of this has been replaced now. there are dedicated sites in each of these areas to help you out. Instead of shops you browse sites. that for me is how modern dating has changed. On a personal note though all this internet thing is helpful, would still prefer the old school way which i feel has more of a personal touch. but hey thats just me :) - Anonymous male

Sources:

http://www.newlovetimes.com/a-guide-to-modern-dating-terms-you-didnt-know-you-needed/

http://www.vagabomb.com/Slang-Terms-to-Update-Your-Modern-Dating-Dictionary/

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/dating-relationship-terms-terms-what-they-mean-game-ghosting-benching-dtr-fbo-thirst-trap-a7486511.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/02/dating-language_n_4338743.html

http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/india-today-sex-survey-most-indian-women-find-premarital-and-extramarital-sex-unacceptable/1/206292.html

Valentine Week - 2

Calling on someone is now just a ping and there are numerous sites to think for you in buying loved one a gift or even better, finding that loved one. Our bodies somehow haven't evolved as much as the other facets of life and hearts not more than that. So, while mediums of dating and philosophies of dating came a long way, there are ground rules I found that dictate the falling apart of relationships.

1. Flirting - Its an old principle I have thought of years ago and that's valid now too.

A girl thinks her life has become beautiful and every day comes with a new surprise when she gets a man who makes her feel special each and every moment of togetherness.

3 possibilities arise after this

1)All is fine if this is all only for her and he means whatever he says. Then he is her lover. (positive)
2)If he speaks this way to ten other girls, obviously he doesn't mean what he says, then he is flirt (neutral)
3)If he speaks this way to ten other girls, without each knowing the other, he is a cheat (negative)


Feel free to change the gender.

2. Break up - The one reason that can leave hearts tangled and twisted for a long time if there is no good bye. Even when you messed up with a guy/girl, that's acting on your chances. Not letting the other person know it, makes it worse. Get the courage to say to the face. Ghosting or whatever thing that internet says is being done or fine is not at all fine. Think as if it prepares you to fire someone when you are climbing that corporate ladder you love so much.

"Hey, I don't think we would work." is all it takes (and some kilos of drama you have to handle after).

3. Timing - Time, that old b***h. She can save you or fire you. Do not delay on things that are important to take care of, like rejecting someone who expressed interest in you. Time lets you spin in many lies and it will be too late before you know it. As much as rejection is mortifying to the ego (both), let go of the adoration.

Same principle holds for acting on your feelings too, but less regrettable. Trust me.

4. Ground rules - While on the subject, I Googled what rules are for modern dating after all and found many interesting ideas. Splitting the date cheque, women initiating the first move, keeping details to yourself rather than close friend's assessment. Forget them all. Your partner however boring and normal he/she might be is unique. If not him/her, the bond between any two people is. Finding the right thing to do at all times is the last thing you would know in a relationship. You act based on the circumstances and "Just Go With It".

5. Sorry - Yes, you heard it. The life savior. I was watching this episode in the series Suits today and there was this line about feeling sorry and actually saying it. We might mean it many a times but saying it out loud makes hell lot of difference. "Its never too late to apologize"

Honesty is a tricky concept in relationships. How do you pour all your heart out in one date or even on 100th? There are dirty little secrets in the closet which take years to pop out. But will that bug destroy everything you built till that point? Find that bug and let it out first. How about one ground rule for all this madness? Do not pass on your self-deception to the person you are seeing.

Valentine Week - 3

While Indian film industry does create a ruckus in young minds with repeated concepts like love at first sight or timeless love, it does also bring out few movies that discuss the complexities of romance, well with its own infusion of drama and contradicting opinions.

  1. OK Kanmani/Bangaram/Jaanu - Gotta give it to the master, for no one leaves the theatre without blushing even once. This film is in perfect urban setting, portraying true urbanized individuals, discussing the conflict of hearts. We want best of both worlds and sometimes not ready to compromise. There, instead of practicality, creativity helps you. Though the movie misled public of a live-in relationship as without limiting individual choices (trust me its not like you can disappear whenever you want to and come back as you wish), career aspirations' and romantic interests' WWE match was pretty good reality check.

2. Befikre - The trailer was completely misleading and the movie more than that. Using the friendship boat to sail through break up anxiety, haven't we seen that already so much? Except for the metaphor of bungee, there was not much new the movie offers (may be except the sizzle).

3. Tanu Weds Manu Returns - Oh! You didn't expect this? Why not? The film beautifully overturns the argument of stable male lead and crazy female lead of the first film and gives us the verdict that no one is perfect. Feelings are always complicated but we as humans have to be rational for simplifying our lives with good judgement.

4. Dear Zindagi - Not everyday you see a mainstream Bollywood movie take a shrink into the plot and not for "serious" mental illness. I still hear many of my friends with lot of exposure say that the protagonist problem wasn't "big" enough to see a psychologist. I am done arguing with them. I have seen a girl who ended her life over her break up and I wished so much she would have turned to any online mental help. Not every person is same and not the same reaction comes out for the same incident. The movie brings out the tiny Indian guilt cropping up into women when they love more than once. Beating yourself up for trying to find someone is utter waste. However, pacing the heart's ventures slow is also very important

5. Love Aaj Kal - Movie hated by many and still one of my favorites. People miss out on the fairy tale-ish angle for the movie. That made for each other bullshit is ingrained in the movie which is mocked by itself. My favorite take away is that we always take time to realise what we really want. It might be years, but we will get there if we keep looking without giving up.

6. Orange - The only Telugu film I love in this relation. I can go hours talking about it but one thing sticking out of this one that impresses me is being confused is ok but make that clear to your partner. Broken hearts always start with dishonesty.

There might be many others but movies like Shudh Desi Romance only remind me of Indrani Mukherjee trial.

Valentine Week - 4

“Modern dating is moving more and more towards dating apps. This is an immediate gratification or rejection in many ways, and often times skips the normal courtship of talking and getting to know each other. I see the dating start and burn out much faster before they find the one. Dating has changed due to people focusing more on career into longer years, and prioritizing this, or they were married young, divorced, and are back out in the dating world. They need new avenues to meet people and connect.” -Psychologist and counselor, Nikki Martinez, Psy.d., LCPC

I am not sure of what she is saying. But dug into dating apps famous in India to find out the size of online dating culture.

Tinder's Indian user count grew a staggering 400 percent in 2015. The amount of daily swipes has jumped from 7.5 million to 14 million. Let's settle on 20-25 million by today as we speak. Truly Madly users count stands at 2.2 million as of 2016.

Other popular ones are Woo, OKCupid, Aisle. We can all agree of another 2 million users on these platforms. Assuming part overlap, there looks like nearly 25 million are looking for partners online.

Haa, but aren't we ignoring the elephant in the room? The big fat blue "f" elephant. In 2015, Facebook touched 125 million users in India, making it the social networking giant's second largest market globally, men made up an overwhelming 76% of the user base. An APAC report in 2016, says that the overall social media usage in the country has grown by 23% since March 2015.

This is getting to be significant proportion of the Indian youth population and here are few of my observations.

1. Online space as much as it is proving to be safer to transact is also now getting comfortable for youngsters to trust the people they come across

2. Distance matters and location advantage provided by dating apps is a game changer

3. The seriousness spectrum is hard to decode as it changes with the individual's mind set at that point. The view changes so fast with experiences

4. There is a thing called finding someone online and there is an entirely different thing of loving online. Only one specific way of communication as primary (sometimes only) preference is in itself a huge subject to ponder upon

Above all, I still have trouble believing the probability of diving into cheating, disappointments, heart breaks is higher here than it can be in real world meet-cutes.

Valentine Week - 5

OK, Now I am daring to write about a very tricky concept in India. After all, discussing modern dating without that sounded incomplete. Following findings from various surveys over the past decade attempt at decoding the stand of India on premarital sex.

1. India Today Group MDRA Sex Survey (conducted across 19 cities)

• 76 per cent of respondents said their first sexual encounter was when they were between 18-26 years of age.
• A significant 13 per cent were below the age of 18.
• In Mumbai specifically, as many has 31 per cent respondents had their first sexual encounter when they were below 18

2. According to the HT-MaRS Youth Survey, an unprecedented 61% believe that premarital sex is no longer a taboo. Only, when it comes to marriage, 63% want their partners to be virgins

3. Men and women in Delhi, Mumbai, Chennai, Hyderabad, Kolkata are candidly admitting to casual-dating two or more persons at any given time

And few findings from older Google pages.

1. In 1994, an INDIA TODAY-MARG survey among 1,365 undergraduates from eight cities found that 18 per cent girls accepted premarital sex, 15 per cent didn't mind using sex appeal to get ahead and 34 per cent were amenable to having a fling even while going steady.

2. More than 40% of young urban couples in India say they have had sex before marriage. The survey conducted by India's leading condom manufacturer, Kamasutra, also revealed that a third of those polled had had sex before the age of 21.

3. 33 per cent have had pre-marital sex, while 50 per cent deny having it, in another survey done in 1996

None of these make any sense, because all surveys at the end proclaim the Great Indian hypocrisy. Why would truths be told if base of the argument is hypocrisy?

The only point I wanted to understand and make it to the bench is that physical intimacy is an important (the differentiator if I may be bravely stupid to proclaim so) element of romantic pursuits whether acknowledged or not by any community at any point of life on earth. Considering it as a taboo does not make one "pure" or "pious" or "true Indian" or "civilized" and using it as a toy does not make one "mature" or "advanced" or "liberated". There are emotional and physical consequences to both approaches.

Valentine Week - 6

While trying to simplify the very nature of dating in a world run on mobile phones, current generation has compiled a dictionary for itself.

Benching - Being inconsistent in your treatment of a person, when you are unsure of your feelings for them

Softboy - A man who poses as a complicated person with emotions, but is ultimately selfish, is a softboy.

"He discusses his ex-girlfriend within the first thirty minutes of the date. He talks about her in a sad, wistful way rather than a snarky, resentful way… He is artistic. He is aware. He is still a d—,

Haunting - The ghost (who cut off you earlier) returning through social media interactions without being directly in touch with you, is haunting!

Sliding - A form of social media flirting, especially Twitter DM

Tuning - Flirting with "Lets see" attitude

Passive ghosting - When someone who is not interested in dating a person still responds and shows slight interest, leaving that person in a constant state of confusion

Talking - A casual way of saying that you two have started “seeing each other.”

Cuffing season - Fall and winter, the time of the year you don’t want to be single in! The cuffing makes you want to say, “’til spring do us part!”

DTR - Define the Relationship

Boo Thing/ Boo thang - A boo thing/ thang refers to your love interest

Ghosting - Fading out or ending contact without giving any explanation whatsoever or breaking up in straightforward way.

Zombieing - A zombie is one who has ghosted you before, but re-emerges using a social media channel, thus opening a can of worms.

Swerve - Swerve means to dodge someone you are not interested in

Bae - Bae means Before Anyone Else

Catch and Release - Catch and Release is a common tactic that daters use while chasing someone. If that someone is reeled in, this commitment-phobe suddenly gets bored and is all, “See you later!”

Cute-a-gory - A category based solely on looks! This system lets you rate from 0 to 10, and then helps you decide whether they are out of your league or not

Feminist boyfriend - Attracted to assertive women, rather than getting intimidated by them

Lumbersexual - These men have rugged beards, are nature’s pets (at least stalking them on their Instagram page gives that idea!), and wear flannels and daddy jeans. If you are a hipster, this is your meat!

Non-date date - It includes plenty of alcohol, intense eye contact, a subtle flirty vibe, and lots & lots of confusion.

On a thing - When you are ‘on a thing,’ you mean you are in a relationship, and are quite serious about it

Textlationship - Instead of personal dates, you'll have long conversations, flirt sessions over texts only

Draking- the act of wallowing in your sorrows caused by the opposite sex

The Lemming - Someone that, despite exclusively dating, will ditch their partner as soon as a friend comes out of a relationship

FBO - This term stands for Facebook Official, officially changing relationship status on FB.

And I thought use of jargon to screw people over more than they already are is exclusive to MBAs and corporates. Most of the nomenclature can be translated to a single phrase. Mixed Signals.

Valentine Week - 7

Well, its that time of the year again and due for my week long rant on the construct of "love", which pretty much looks like no one cares about anymore. My rant, may be few but love, no one.

While scavenging for a discussion topic for this week, a term called 'modern dating' came up. It is intriguing on the face of it but got me confused after a while. What are we saying when we use that term? Dating scenario of today? Are we referring to the modern ways of dating? It didn't feel as just a descriptive term. There are allegations, judgements and opinions surrounding the term which reverberated in the tone and usage of it.

So, I got my concept for the week. Lets explore it together.

First things first. The wiki definition. Unfortunately, wiki isn't as advanced as the generation it belongs to. There is no page for modern dating as such, proving again my point that modern dating is not just a simple term. Then, I came across this post by Aziz Ansari on modern dating. While he mostly devoted his piece to online dating, this particular paragraph captured the typical thought process of 20's in 2000's.

"Let’s look at how I do things, maybe with a slightly less important decision, like the time I had to pick where to eat dinner in Seattle when I was on tour last year. First I texted four friends who travel and eat out a lot and whose judgment I trust. I checked the website Eater for its Heat Map, which includes new, tasty restaurants in the city. Then I checked Yelp. And GQ’s online guide to Seattle. Finally I made my selection: Il Corvo, an Italian place that sounded amazing. Unfortunately, it was closed. (It only served lunch.) At that point I had run out of time because I had a show to do, so I ended up making a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich on the bus."

There isn't one friend in my circle who has a lunch plan far from the above, so much so that it sounds the only way of working on things. While it's not a far off thought that this decision tree is used for soulmate seeking as well, modern dating is much more than just having options to work on. Let's start and see how it goes.

Happy Valentine's Day

Well, how do I start it? This is the first post of my blog, which is not of facts or arts, but my views. I do have a fantasy of love. Don’t get me wrong. I mean I celebrate love in every possible form of it. But this specific form of love that arises between a man and woman, which has huge biological explanation, and at the same time baffling, entices me with its charm and naughtiness.

After a heartbreak or two, you tend to be cynical of this love. You doubt its existence, you doubt the people who claim they feel it. You might doubt your own capability of being loved. But when you find a girl who fights her political family, her way of life and stays strong to start a life with a boy from different culture, ways and an entire different language in a country like India. Or when you meet a guy who is hell-bent on getting married to a girl separated 7 years by distance of miles, in few hundreds first to few thousands later, still beating hard everyday for a phone call. Or when you come across a girl who moves back and forth twice between cities within months, for making her wedding turn into a marriage. Or may be just listening to a single guy or girl who is waiting for their perfect one, believing that it would be the soul mate for them and figuring out the world’s best love story God is crafting for them, makes you want to have faith in this “notion” of love.

But I still doubted some things. After all we are speaking here about humans, the egos, the mundane lives and society. What happens after they actually start living? Believe it or not, love starts as an ecstasy, turns into friendship and then becomes an actual relationship. What happens after you reach maturity of relationship? Could you make it work without passion? Without the ecstasy in it? But then, something stuck my mind. We are speaking of the same person who drove that warmth in you, who ignited that sparks in your heart. If you could fall in love then, why cant you again? True. That’s how a relationship will work. If I could stop my mind there. My mind still wandered over the thought of failed relationships. From what I found, it means a guy who moved on from a break-up and married, could actually fall in love with his ex-gf. Same in case of a girl too. Then something that no less of an epiphany struck me. Love is a choice. It indeed is. I do not mean you can choose whom your heart will melt to. But it means your mind loves (you might call it 'like' but in the end its all vocabulary) too. It loves the thought of having a love of life and that helps you in determining the course.

I read somewhere that “Dating isn't for the weak. It takes courage to go down a knee, it takes bravery to face rejection.” Lets all don't give up on love and be always ready to start afresh. Well, lets see. The view is that love is a choice. So its all about what you choose. You can sit here and read my post, browse the net for love help  or go out there, to your loved one and express what you feel. The clock is ticking and we are all running against time. Its not time to wait for miracles to happen but open your hearts out.

Still here....???? TICK TOCK TICK.

P.S. There are two links I saw recently about how we are scared and confused which made me write the above paragraph.

Hope we don't end that way.

Try expressing, it might turn out like this


♥  Happy Valentine’s Day  ♥ 

And the best love song ever,